Over the past 26 years, I have been put on many different meds to treat major depression & anxiety. From those that were effective (Prozac, Wellbutrin, Trazodone, Xanax and Brintellix/Trintellix) to those that didn't help (Lexapro & Celexa), to those that made my depression worse (Elavil, Seroquel, and Remeron/mirtazapine). However, none of the meds that made my depression worse can compare to what mirtazapine/Remeron did to me. Not even close. On mirtazapine, I became a completely different person. I no longer cried. My sadness disappeared. I was able to get out of bed, get dressed, eat, and even work, but not as myself--as a robot without any emotions whatsoever.
I experienced depersonalization and non-stop suicide ideation. I had to force myself to stop thinking about suicide in order to work, but it was extremely difficult, because that's where my thoughts wanted to return constantly. I was like a starving person telling myself to stop thinking about food...I could only focus on other things for short periods, then back to the dark world of suicide and death was where my thoughts ran. Constantly.
Killing myself was the only thing my brain felt comfortable thinking about. I had no more feelings--no depression, no sadness, no hopelessness, but also no positive emotions--even fleeting, momentary ones. There was just no emotion in me whatsoever.
For weeks my brain was mulling over the different ways I could kill myself, and which ways would be the least complicated, messy, and distressing for the people who loved me. My only goal in life became to find the ideal, most logical & efficient way to kill myself.
I was completed detached from reality and didn't even consider the fact that what was happening to me was abnormal. Thankfully, my psychiatrist was on top of things and made me check in with her. As soon as she realized what was happening, she took me off mirtazapine....Thank god!!!
Looking back, I can't believe how close I came to killing myself. I'm convinced it would only have been a matter of time until I settled on the "perfect plan." I would have left my children orphans ????.
Every person reacts differently to each medication. I can't dissuade people from taking this drug because although it almost killed me, it has saved others, just as Prozac and Brintellix have saved me.
Whatever medication you take, be vigilant about possible side effects. Be open with your doctor and loved ones so that they can be on the lookout for reactions such as mine. You can't do it alone. Read More Read Less